My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
