Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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