I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize