my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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