I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
