Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
