Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize