I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
