I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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