did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
