First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Randomize
