did you get engaged???
I'm so fucking centered right now
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
