it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
