she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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