you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
