peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
