Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
