I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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