Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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