Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
