i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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