I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
