So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize