Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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