my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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