Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
