Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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