someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
