i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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