I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Randomize