so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so let's talk penis.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
