What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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