Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
