i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I think I sprained my soul last night
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Randomize
