I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
