and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
