remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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