I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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