so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
