ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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