The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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