flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
do herpes really smell.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
