checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
