You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
