i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
