Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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