Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
