I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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