Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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