never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
