Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
