I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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