I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
