I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
