If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
