I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we're chasing vodka with high fives
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
is it fun? or sober?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
