In the future we'll all be gay
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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