you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
