I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
