Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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